I've been counting. Not really counting stitches but counting down the days. Yesterday marked 5 months since my daughter passed. It's hard. I really hate it when I do this- but, it just comes. A week before the day....I turn into a complete and utter mess. Do not talk to me, don't look at me and don't mention her name. No one is allowed to say her name except me. I hate this feeling. It's a feeling like no other. I am surely not the young free spirited woman I once was. Where is she? and how do I get her back?.  Questions I asked God everyday. Does he hear me? I scream so loud. So loud from the bottomless pit of my stomach and strain with all my might to get one single word out. I  yell. I scream. Why! Why her?

I promised this blog would not be about Lauren, but.....I'm sorry. This seems to be the only way I can truly get what has been bottled up inside of me since that horrible day. A day I would not wish upon any mother. She was my only daughter. So beautiful inside and out. Not one ounce of trouble from day one.

How can God write out our story even before we are born. How can he give a women such a wonderful, loving, generous gift knowing that that child's life has a number on it? Without us even knowing. And then. After we have become so in love with this child you would turn your world upside down to make theirs wonderful. Care for them. Protect them. Teach them. Get sooo attached to them and all of a sudden.......bam!!!   It's over. Snap of a finger. Gone. Please someone explain to me.

I have talked to God. I have screamed at God. I've been told that he does things for a reason and good will come out of this. Trust in Him. Believe in Him. Have Faith in Him.
Lord knows my cries. Everyday. Every night and moments in between.
Maybe it's too soon for me to understand but right now at this moment....I don't see it.

All I do know is that I miss her. I am utterly lost. My days are all a blur. Hour by hour I surfer from major memory loss cause all I think about is Lauren. Then, before I know it...it's dark. Sometimes I sleep and other times I don't.
But....I keep moving on. I put on a pretend happy face in the morning. I still do my normal routine but.....
one thing is missing. I don't get to hear her say....good morning mom. And we start our day.

 Please no comments are necessary but I know a few of you will say something. This is just my story.
One day.....someone can relate....you are not alone.



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